Guilt, the feeling that you have done something wrong and harmed someone else, is a constant for caregivers.
Guilt may surface when you cannot honor all the wishes of your loved ones.
For example, when you cannot spend quality time with your perennial or are missing activities with your family.
However, there are times when you know you are making the right decision, and you don’t feel guilty.
Until someone makes a comment that causes you question yourself…and you cannot seem to get that comment out of your head.
First Hand Experience
For me, it was when I was visiting my father-in-law in a dementia care unit.
Dale has been in this community for several years now. Over time, his memory has progressively worsened, as expected, given his diagnosis.
The family knows that we cannot care for him adequately at home. And Dale never wanted his family to have to care for him.
So living in this community is the best solution for him. We know this is the best decision we can make.
That is, until we go visit.
To be honest, visiting him is hard. You want to remember who he was, not see him as he is now. He often doesn’t recognize me, or if he does think he knows me, I’m identified as someone else. Recently I’ve been his deceased wife, as well as my sister-in-law, all in one visit.
But the guilt is triggered when the caregivers, those people we are paying to care for him, act as if we have done something wrong.
My last visit provides a good example. After talking with one of the caregivers about Dale, I got “the look” and then, “You know he isn’t doing well, right?”
As if to say, “Do you know anything about him?”
No, really? This isn’t Dale at his best? And here I thought he was on a vacation.
OF COURSE I KNOW HE ISN’T DOING WELL. THAT IS WHY HE IS HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Yet despite knowing this, her unnecessary comment brings feelings of guilt to the surface. Guilt I know I should not be having.
I am not alone in this experience. I talk to caregivers all the time who are made to feel guilty about the choices they have made, no matter what those choices are.
How to Stop the Guilt
When someone makes you question your caregiving decisions, they are probably implying that you “should” do something different.
A different community, a different caregiver, a different diet, a different medication.
My advice to you?
Eliminate the “shoulds” from your life.
Stop saying them yourself, and stop believing them when someone else is trying to impose their value system on you.
Above all, remember that no one knows your situation better than you. Don’t let other people (parents, friends, siblings, doctors, caregivers, or other professionals) make you doubt your decisions.
Their judgement and commentary is their problem. You are not responsible for other people’s feelings.
In the end, the only opinion that matters about your caregiving is the one you have of yourself.
